Life After Chemo: "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?"

(DISCLAIMER: My intent with this post it not to make anyone feel bad or make others feel sorry for me, but to educate parents on how to have the tough conversation about cancer when their little ones start asking questions. I will also not be making any statements regarding my beliefs on gender identity, although I have very much respect for that population.)

Well, this afternoon the inevitable happened. I was walking around Target (ALL THE PRAISE HANDS!) after church. As I walked by a mother with her three adorable, blonde daughters I heard one of them ask, "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?"

Ouch.

Like I said, I knew this could and most likely would happen since I often joke around that I look like my dad right now. I even had imagined the situation in my head and thought about how I would address it. But it caught me off guard and was in passing, so I just let it go and continued walking through the glorious aisles of everyone's favorite store.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking that the child's mother would probably address the question after I was out of sight. However, it was clear that she didn't because when I ran into them again the exact same question was asked, "Mom, is that a boy or a girl?"

This time I heard the mom reply, "(Child's name), stop it!" And kept on walking.

Immediately I became confused and overcome with emotion. I turned down the next aisle, shed a few tears, and got myself back together before moving on. I was furious with myself for this reaction because I have been so strong and not really effected by the physical toll cancer has played on my body. I've remained pretty confident, or so I thought.

But in retrospect, I wasn't upset with what the child asked, but that the mother treated it like it was nothing worth answering. Let me repeat that to make it clear: I'm not at all upset with the child. I'm disappointed that the mother completely ignored the child's question because she was embarrassed and/or did not want to address an uncomfortable situation in that moment. I get it, cancer is hard to talk about with kids and she was caught in the moment too.

There's no doubt about it, "Is that a boy or a girl?" is not a simple question no matter when it is asked. For someone that has gone through chemo and specifically breast cancer, it could be devastating to hear.

My body has been through hell and back in the last 7 months. The first thing to go was my very long hair. I donated it and then shaved it before chemo could take it, so I could avoid the emotional moments of fallout like I had seen in the movies. The chemo broke out my skin, then dried it up, and finally stole the coloring from my face. I stopped getting my nails done because they became brittle and weak from chemo. I gradually went into menopause. Finally, my boobs were taken from me after a double mastectomy. Literally everything that makes me look like a woman was stripped away from me. I have fought so hard to get that back. I applied my makeup differently to bring back the healthy glow and hide the fact I'm missing much of my eyelashes, I'm now slowly growing hair, I just started getting my nails done again, and have been pumping my "foobies" up every week, all so I can have the appearance of a woman on the outside, since that's exactly who I am on the inside. So not only have I fought for my life, but for my womanhood.

Top:

Before starting chemo. After donating my hair.

Bottom:

Shaved 3 days after first round of chemo. Last chemo treatment. Fuzziness two months after last treatment.

To me it was a simple, easy answer: "That's a girl." I had a floral blouse on, nails painted, makeup on, and for goodness sake, I actually have boobs again. So the only part I would then be lacking would be the long, beautiful hair I once had. That being said, to most it would then be obvious that I've been through chemo. I've had many people stop and ask me, "Cancer?" and then share the story of their loved one who is a survivor too. The short, patchy, barely there hair must be a dead give away and that's perfectly fine by me. I've met a lot of great people through those conversations.

So what should you tell your kids when they start asking questions?

That's actually a trick question, there is no right answer... but not answering at all isn't doing your little ones any good.

If a child is old enough to ask a tough question, they are old enough to get an answer in return. It is obviously up to your discretion how much detail is given and how much you save for when they are older and can make more sense of the situation. If a kindergartner asks you, "Mom, what does 'sex' mean?" your answer will most likely be much different than when the are in middle school... and that's perfectly okay, if not normal! The same goes with the topic of cancer.

Now, I don't have any kids of my own. But I am a Pre-K through 5th grade librarian that had to explain to 450 children that I had cancer, why I don't have any hair, and answer questions the 6 months I was at school during my treatment. Of course, like anything else at school, those answers were given at a level they were developmentally ready for. I also didn't go into much detail as I believe that is truly up to parents to decide what information their child is ready for when it comes to such a serious topic.

So here would be my suggested answer:

"Honey, that's a girl. She was really sick and had to take very strong medicine to get better. It was so strong, in fact, that it made her hair fall out. - But don't worry, you don't take any medicine that strong. - Now that she is feeling better, her hair is growing back again! It's short right now, but not for long."

Through my experience with answering the question about when my hair is coming back on a weekly basis from four and five year olds, for months on end, usually this is enough information to suffice their curiosity.

It probably comes as no surprise that since I'm an elementary librarian I can recommend a great picture book to address this conversation as well.

If this happens again in the next several months while my hair is growing back, I will respectfully ask the parent if it is okay that I explain where my hair went. This way the pressure is off them and can come from someone who has experience answering the question.

I wish I would have done that today.

I hope I was able to provide you with a simple answer for a very loaded question. Having an answer ready to go will help to make sure you aren't put in a panic like the mother at Target today.

If your child asks you a tough question that you don't know how to answer, please don't be afraid to ask someone that might be able to give you some advice on how to address it.

They won't learn if their questions are ignored.